The Authority
I can show by solid figures, undeniably exact,
How to operate the railroads in a way
That would expedite the service and would save them, for a fact,
Enough to make the owners very gay;
I could run the postal service in a manner that would pay
If the Government was willing to be shown,
And my scientific tariff scheme could never go astray--
I know everybody's business but my own.
I could teach a lot of histrions a better way to act,
I could help a playwright write a smarter play,
I could show a bunch of fighters (it would need a little tact)
How to function more expertly in a fray.
I have inspirations useful to a sculptor molding clay,
I can tell an artist more than he has known,
I can show a harbor pilot how to navigate the bay--
I know everybody's business but my own.
Don't imagine me a person with a cerebellum cracked,
Or a truculent and egotistic jay,
I'm just one of these unfortunates whom others' jobs attract,
And I somehow cannot seem to leave 'em lay.
So I'm always doping systems on the way to drive a dray
Or how operatic singers should intone,
And my hunches aren't so rotten, and quite honestly I say,
"I know everybody's business but my own!"
Envoy
I'd be very glad to tell you--and I'll do so, if I may,
How your profits might effectively be grown;
(Have you got a five about you you could spare till Saturday?)--
I know everybody's business but my own.
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