In The Subjunctive
If I were a hotel waiter
And you were a manicure
What bounty of fate were greater?
We'd go to the best the-yater
With seats from a speculator,
And never again be poor,
If I were a hotel waiter
And you were a manicure!
If I were a taxi pirate
And you were a waitress fair,
We'd never again be irate
When living attained a high rate;
In the giddiest whirl we'd gyrate
With never a fret or care,
If I were a taxi pirate
And you were a waitress fair.
If I were a master plumber
And you were a check-room pest,
Our town house would be a hummer,
We'd live at the shore in summer;
While now--one must be a slummer
To get to our little nest.
Ah, were I a wealthy plumber
And you but a check-room pest!
If I were a garment cutter
And you were a lady's maid,
At prices we'd never mutter.
In satins and silks you'd flutter,
And we could have milk and butter
And eggs that were newly laid,
If I were a garment cutter
And you were a lady's maid!
But since I'm a versifier
And you're on a magazine,
I've gone and I've hocked my lyre,
Our larder grows daily shyer,
And we have no luxury higher
Than oleomargarine!
For I am a versifier
And you're on a magazine.
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